A Food Lover’s Gift Guide (and a Tiny Guide to Culinary Deception)

Ok Friends — Let’s Get Cooking (Clicking)

A food edition blog, you ask? Bold of you to assume I cook. I can make exactly two recipes — count them, two. Do I own every Ina Garten cookbook ever printed? Of course. Have I ever used them? Absolutely not. They’re for kitchen styling, duh. Why bake, get flour ALL OVER my kitchen and inevitably on the uniform — aka the black and navy clothing I live in — and all to fail spectacularly? So, I opt for the easier route, which involves the magical world of clicking and ordering my two favorite Barefoot Contessa cakes, and voilà, my job is done and a clean kitchen to show for it. For those of you non-bakers like me, you have to admit this is genius—reusing my old phrase, “work smarter, not harder.”

And While We’re on Cakes…And while we are on the subject of gifting cakes or “pretending” we bake them, Caroline, I am not ignoring you — and I’m definitely not denying that your pink-champagne cake is one of my all-time favorite Barbie cake moments, for sure. However, Caroline’s iconic 7-Layer Caramel Cake is the reigning Queen of Southern desserts and has rightfully earned its place among the most celebrated layer cakes of the South (shout-out to the caramel lovers).

But…maybe you’re not really a dessert person — or maybe your baking skills resemble mine ( meaning, nonexistent ). No worries, we still have options.Because not everyone wants to gift sweets, some of us prefer a little culinary brag energy.

The friend who ate at that “ICONIC” restaurant – (It probably had a Michelin Star…Obvi)

You know that friend who takes one trip, eats at some “iconic” restaurant, and then proceeds to tell you about it for the next decade? Yes, the one who says “iconic” no fewer than fourteen times and ends with, “It was the best dish I will ever have for the rest of my life.” (Well, I hope not, you are young buddy)…

Anyhoo, since I can’t telepathically know which Michelin-starred restaurant your friend dined at (while driving you absolutely batty recounting it), I’ve added a few ideas below. Or, click the search bar, say a polite prayer while that little spinning wheel twirls endlessly, and hope that the “it-chef’s” restaurant magically appears on the site.

This is called a major WIN during the holidays: sending them something delish from that iconic eatery straight to their door. Especially since flights these days are… let’s say, “unreliable.”

My ‘I Would Perish Without These’ Foods – Dramatic, But Accurate

Now, speaking of meals worth clicking for — I, for one, have a deep love affair with Stone Crab. But living smack in the middle of the Texas Panhandle, I’d rather go hungry than attempt a Stone Crab dish in the middle of the country. So I overnight her in when I need a little “fix.” If Stone Crabs are your thing and you haven’t tried this yet, you can thank me later — pure heaven.

But you know what is located in my precious West Texas? The tenderloin, I cannot live without. Drumroll… the famous Perini Ranch tenderloin. It’s buttery and divine. Perfectly peppered and just that precise medium rare. I personally prefer it cold, then I slice it up, toss in a bit of horseradish mayo, and devour it on a fresh bakery roll (not made by me, obviously—we addressed the flour all over everything issues earlier). 

For the “I Ate at the French Laundry” Friend

You know the one. They dined there once and somehow turned it into a 16-hour TED Talk? Here’s how to ensure you never hear about it again: send them literally anything, I mean literally anything from Thomas Keller. Personally, I’m a lamb-chop girl — all day, every day — and it must be served with mint jelly, not a “mint sauce”, and of course, the jelly would preferably be homemade if you’ve got a friend willing to make it. Me? Not happening, we don’t need to touch on even how jelly gets made…(for that see a Netflix series I won’t name for “all the tea in China”)…

For the Food Network Fanatic

We all have that one friend who obsesses about Food Network shows like it’s another season of Game of Thrones. Your assignment: figure out who their person is — the chef they swear is the culinary messiah — and send them something from that chef’s line. They’ll thank you forever. 

Now, I don’t take deep dives into the channel ( for obvious reasons, one being I don’t cook, for the 9th time), but even I know a few geniuses when I see them:

The Fancy Foodie vs. the Everyday Girl (Essentially, my brother, who splits time between Spain and DC, vs. me, the designer still living in Amarillo, Texas).

This little section is for your truly fancy friends — the ones who “casually” pull out gourmet spreads like it’s nothing. Enter Chef Daniel Boulud. His gift boxes are fancy meets fabulous — perfect for that person who already has everything and still serves luxe smoked salmon and roe on a belleni like it’s a Tuesday.

For the rest of us mere mortals? Russ & Daughters is perfection. Their lox-and-bagel setup is iconic (there’s that word again), and for the non-lox crowd, the babka — cinnamon or chocolate — will absolutely convert even the most skeptical sweet tooth. (It converted me, and I am a French fry girl over a candy girl, ALL. DAY. LONG. (long live salt)

“The Surprise Gift” compliments of That Random People You Haven’t Seen Since the Bush Administration.

Lastly, my personal holiday nightmare scenario: your daughter’s long-lost godparents, whom you haven’t spoken to since she was four years old, suddenly send you a Williams-Sonoma gift basket out of the blue. I know, I know… this bizarre phenomenon has happened to all of us at least once.

But fear not. I’ve got you covered for that, too. These perfectly curated holiday sets will make it look like you tried really, really hard. (You didn’t. You stumbled upon this blog, and honestly? That’s enough.)

You’re welcome. Again.

Final Thoughts

So there you have it — my culinary click-list of the season: a perfectly curated guide for gifting, bragging, or pretending you baked something fabulous (without ever touching a whisk).

Because let’s face it — the only thing better than giving a delicious gift… is not having to clean up after it.

Cheers to a Joyous Holiday and a Clean Kitchen! Pro Tip: Do not under any circumstances bring politics, and/or religion into the conversation, unless you’re bored and want to see all the fine china broken. (hint: if would like to inherit that china that avoid both scenarios mentioned above).